Demisexuality: Everything You Need To Know
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Demisexuality: Everything You Need To Know

Lakshmi Devan
4 min read

Demisexuality: Everything You Need To Know

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At first, demisexuality can be a difficult concept to comprehend. So, if you are a demisexual who wonders how to explain demisexuality to people, or want to understand it yourself, then keep reading.

Romance has never been more convenient. It is possible to discover new people, make dinner reservations, shop for a special dress, book a vacation, and propose to the love of your life with a single click. While a majority of us enjoy this convenience and choose to avoid complications that come with serious relationships, not everyone operates that way.

This is where demisexuals come in.

About demisexuality:

‘Demisexuality’ is a compound word that is made up of 2 words – ‘demi’, meaning halfway or in between and ‘sexuality’. A demisexual is someone who isn’t sexually attracted to a person unless there is a deep emotional connection between them.

This isn’t restricted to just long-term romantic relationships. Demisexuals hook-up on Tinder dates too, just like the rest of us… only, they need a certain equation with a person before being able to jump their bones.

Demisexuals don’t like to chat up inebriated strangers in a bar and take them home. They may also not understand why you are obsessed with that “hot” barista. They experience sexual attraction differently. What they want is to be stimulated intellectually and emotionally. Simply put, they must feel something in their soul before they can feel something in their loins.

Common myths about demisexuals:

Demisexuality wasn’t recognised as a type of sexuality until recently. Naturally, a plethora of misconceptions surround the subject. Here are the most common ‘demisexual misconceptions’ ever -

1. Demisexuals are attracted to everyone who becomes close to them.

Human beings can be pretty ignorant at times. When I came out as bisexual, I’d often get asked by female friends if I’m attracted to them. People assumed that just because I’m attracted to women, I’m somehow attracted to ALL of them. *eye roll*

Do heterosexuals get attracted to everyone and everything of the opposite sex? Hell no. The same applies to demisexuals as well. Just because they need to feel a certain level of comfort in order to be attracted to someone doesn’t mean that they go around feeling impassioned by their cousins.

2. Demisexuality is just a preference.

In order for it to be a preference, demisexuals would have to be people who just PREFER to avoid sex until a close bond has developed between them and their romantic interest. But in the case of demisexuals, there is zero attraction before emotional bonding. They simply don’t feel those sexy feelings, if you know what I mean.

3. Demisexuals are asexual.

Let me clear this out, once and for all: Demisexuality isn’t the same as asexuality, even though they may be on the same spectrum. Just because an attractive man or woman doesn’t turn them on right away, doesn’t mean that they don’t get turned on at all.

what is Demisexuality

Now, let’s come to the most important question:

Are you a demisexual?

Here’s a quick way to know if you might be demisexual. Before we begin, please remember that sexual orientation and gender identity is a complex subject. All of us, despite what we may choose to believe, aren’t purely and exclusively any of the following:

    1. Heterosexual: Being primarily attracted to people of the opposite gender- sexually, romantically, and emotionally.
    2. Homosexual: Being primarily attracted to people of the same gender- sexually, romantically, and emotionally.
    3. Pansexual: Experiencing sexual, emotional or romantic attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity.
    4. Bisexual: Experiencing physical, romantic, and/ or emotional attractions to both same and opposite gender.
    5. Asexual: Not experiencing sexual attraction.
    6. Androsexual: Being primarily attracted to masculinity, whether romantically, aesthetically or sexually.
    7. Bicurious: Those exploring both genders sexually and romantically, but not necessarily certain.
    8. Demiromantic: Not experiencing romantic attraction until a strong emotional or sexual connection is formed.
    9. Gynaesexual: Being primarily attracted to femininity, whether romantically, aesthetically or sexually.
    10. Skoliosexual: Being primarily sexually, romantically, or aesthetically attracted to genderqueer, transgender, or non-binary people.
    11. Demisexual: Not experiencing sexual attraction without an emotional connection.
    12. Transgender: Having a gender identity that differs from the assigned gender at birth.

what is Demisexuality

Sexuality is a continuous spectrum and we all belong somewhere in the fluid rainbow. But, even then, it is possible for you to have a majority of demisexual tendencies. Here is how to know if you are demisexual:
  1. Not feeling aroused by porn.
  2. Feeling alienated by the culture you live in because it is so sexually-charged.
  3. Experiencing sexual attraction in close, platonic relationships.
  4. Feeling aesthetically appreciative of people’s faces and bodies, but rarely feeling sexual attraction.
  5. Feeling extremely uncomfortable then sexual advances are made at you.
  6. Never having understood how “love at first sight” could work for people.
  7. Not being able to imagine yourself choosing to have spontaneous sexual encounters with strangers.
If you feel absolutely lost in group conversations when your friends babble on about their hot new crushes each week, then you’re not alone my friend. There’s a whole tribe of demisexuals waiting to welcome you to the family, as soon as they realise their sexual orientation themselves. So, share this with your friends, family, neighbours – literally anyone you know. You’d be surprised how many people end up relating to demisexuality, even if it’s only to a limited extent. But that’s the wonderful thing about realising that sexuality doesn’t mean being restricted and categorised into fixed identities. Accepting your sexuality is liberation, in its true sense.

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